My broken heart

First of all I need to say that I originally posted the unedited version at 3am this morning, but at 6am decided to delete it and have edited it slightly but I do need to explain my behaviour and apologise where hurt has been rendered. So here goes.

I am going to try and write a confession of sorts, it's probably going to sound a bit like an excuse in some ways, and to some extent a justification, but I truly hope that in getting this out I will find the beginning of a healing process (otherwise known as sanctification). I want to preface with a 'disclaimer' of sorts. It may seem that I'm pointing fingers of blame at certain individuals, please be assured, if you feel I'm talking about you, that I hold no malice towards you, and that despite whether you believe as I do or not I see the hand of God working through the people around me to effect sanctification in me. Sanctification according to scripture is a process akin to refining of gold through fire, or as cutting and kneading of clay to remove air and other impurities, it is not comfortable, but it is necesary. I am also aware that as I am being sanctified by those around me there is an equivalent effect of me being used to sanctify those who have received salvation so before you start praising yourself for your part in my sanctification, examine your own heart, and turn to our Father who is waiting for you to confess your sins and turn from your wicked ways, and then praise the only One who truly deserves praise.  Secondly my opinions and thoughts as at now are subject to correction by the Holy Spirit through the Word, so please study scripture yourself, if necesary correction and reproof is valuable to me, I will try to accept it graciously and with intent to correct.

Recently (and not so recently on many occasions) I have found myself in the uncomfortable position of having to have 'fun' amongst my fellowship of believers, 99% of you, if not more, will probably find that confession a rather strange statement. As strange as it may seem I do not find fun in games, I am only occasionally mildly entertained observing others enjoy themselves in games, it is even worse for me when these games are made into a competition. Although there have been occasions where I appear to have joined in and had fun, most of those times have been an effort for me and usually involve putting on a mask, a dishonest chore at the least. However the reaction is usually worse when I can't face putting on the masks and try to decline participation or when having participated anyway I afterwards admit that I did not enjoy myself, and would rather have been doing something else 'more useful'. Unfortunately trying to force me against my will is rarely successful, I'm really stubborn, and some of you have been hurt by a coldly toned retort, usually along the lines of 'leave me alone' I sincerely apologise and ask for forgiveness. 

Most times in the past I have considered myself in the right and just left it at that, life is after all a serious matter, and eternal life and our purpose here even more so is it not? To be honest I'm finding it difficult not to think like that right now. In a blog post not so long ago I wondered how much time for fun (holidays) Paul had in between the beatings and being chained to guards, or how much relaxation (leave) time Peter had while feeding the sheep. But as now there have been the odd occasions where I wonder if I am in the wrong.

As I sat contemplating and praying, and evaluating, and praying, and watching, and yes, praying, and as I continue to do so now as I write this I have little idea of how I might have gotten the way I am. As one school colleague pointed out to me a little while ago  'I see you are still so serious'. As I look back over my life and try to work out when I got this way, I struggle to find a time when I wasn't. Two images came to mind tonight. The first image was of a flower, and as I thought about how I tend to see flowers I realized that instead of just finding appreciation in the beauty of a flower I have the inclination to pull it apart to figure out what it's bits are, examine those bits under a microscope and find wonder in the complexities and intricacies, in the process the plain beauty of the whole is lost to me. The second image is of a human body, and again instead of just looking at the outer I want to dig in both on a physical, and for lack of a better word, a psychological level and analyse it to pieces, yes I appreciate the wonder of the inside workings but I lose an appreciation of the outer beauty in the process. When I now look these two illustrations of my actions I see an inkling of what's in my life that causes me to dig right in and pull apart and analyse and think and contemplate, instead of simply appreciating the beauty. The problem that I seem to have with the kind of fun I struggle with, is that due to analysing and pulling it apart I have come to the conclusion, that it is a form of escapism from reality i.e.not taking every thought captive, or alternatively a digression from where we should find our true joy and full satisfaction. I'm afraid I haven't found anything to counter this conclusion. When people use scripture to justify having fun they point to the (en)joy passages nearly all of which tell us our joy is to be found in God and activities of worship, including acts of love and fellowship torwards one another, not in games, naturally some will say that enjoying games is a form of worship or fellowship, perhaps so, but if that is the case it is so covered by the competitive prideful desire to be better i.e. to win that I fail to see it that way, the message of finding our ultimate enjoyment in Christ is completely lost when we enthrall in being better than our brother. What seems to me worse is the taunting teasing attitude, and goading self praise a competitor or team engages in both during and after the game.

Please note I have taken the view that this is my issue, most people probably do not conclude as I do and are perfectly comfortable with games I am not comfortable with, I don't hold it against people that they are not of the same mind on this as me, which is why I usually come to these gatherings to at least show some interest even when I am not up to participating and perhaps one day my mind will be changed.

Now having said that, I must get to another related failing, which is a lack of being close to my brothers and sisters in Christ. This results in misunderstanding, my refusal to participate appears to be a refusal to commune, which in a sense it is, because I have estranged myself from people in general, and find it difficult to engage with even those close to me, my not wanting to put on a mask of pretense, shows up a wall of seperation that is real because I do not open up enough to those around me. In addition to this is a lack of expressiveness in things where I do find joy, and for that matter sadness, love, hurt, anger, and all other thought processes and actions we call emotions. My problem in summary boils down to a failure to communicate my inner thoughts. I have no problem communicating ideas in general as long as it does not affect what my perception is of what people think of me and vice versa. In other words I find it difficult to get personal, both in giving out personal information and asking for it from others. Because of many painful experiences along the way of growing up I built walls of defense that I find difficult to knock through. Those who have gotten to know me better might think I'm talking nonsense here, but they fall into two categories, first there are those who think they know me but have only scratched the surface, and second  those who I trust well who I am more open with and there are very few of these. I am aware of this sin which is perhaps an evidence of a lack of sufficient love, and I can only ask you to believe me when I say I am working hard to overcome, but over and way above that, the Lord is forcing me to take it on by circumstances, I keep telling people I need a fire lit under me to make me move, well there are fires getting lit all around me right now, I know and trust the Lord that allowing those fires to refine me will equip me, to face the next challenge on the racetrack to holiness. A racetrack which does not involve being the first to the finish line but only that we reach it. This of course means I need to make my way through these fires, not by putting them out or going around them, but by allowing them to burn away the dross and cause those walls of defense I mentioned earlier to collapse.

Pray for me I need it.